Joke Thread

[OnLineGenie]

You shouold not infer anything about my religious opinions from what follows - I simply found it funny.

Who owns the Holy Land?
Holy Land - who owns that land

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently at the U.N. And made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began:
'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses.

When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished.
A Palestinian had stolen them.'

The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.'

The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that I have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'

[OnLineGenie]

An English tourist arrives in Australia, and is going through the usual
checks at custom/immigration.

The customs bloke asks him, "Have you got a criminal record"

English guy replies, " I didn't know you still needed one!"

[Meli]

^^ HOW RUDE!

It is funny, though.

[Robin Morbid]

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."

[OnLineGenie]

Good one, Robin! Another Irish joke:

What have The Lisbon Treaty and Ullysses got in common?

1. Most Irish people have never read either

2. The Irish people who have read them don't understand them

3. Despite not reading or understanding them the Irish people rejected them.

[Robin Morbid]

nice ok I got another one...

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

[OnLineGenie]

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU ARE EVEN REMOTELY FAMILIAR WITH HOLY SCRIPTURE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A ROMAN CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RE-TOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPEL LING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.


4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIM SELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTER WARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9.. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA .. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL ..

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BE FORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE..

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE A POSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.


24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

[OnLineGenie]

...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary…

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. B ** tards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

[OnLineGenie]

I couldn't believe it when I found out that Gary Glitter had a date for his release from prison.

She's 8 but could pass for 12 with a little makeup.

[OnLineGenie]

"I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with. I am
sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature. If you wish to give me
your heart, I will give you mine and know that, held within your gentle
hands, it will be safe for ever. No fat birds."

[OnLineGenie]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Darlene
got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Darlene got
pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Darlene didn't get
pregnant again.'

Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'

Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Darlene with me.'

[OnLineGenie]

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I think that I may have finally found inner peace.


A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.


Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.



hic xxx

[OnLineGenie]

Canadian sense of humour:-

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. West
Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
on a West Jet flight. There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you
want. Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
-----------------------
On another West Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
------------------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane."
-----------------------
"Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver airport, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
-------------------------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a
flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."
-----------------------
>From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to
Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
---------------------
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling, stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."
-----------------------
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines."
------------------------
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
-----------------------
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
---------------------------
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
-----------------------------
Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton; The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
------------------------------
Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your
seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of
our airplane to the gate!"
------------------------------
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
---------------------
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
-------------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal."
-----------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of West Jet Airways."
-----------------------
Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
-----------------------
A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal. The weather ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"

[OnLineGenie]

the other day,I said "doctor ,you've got to help me i keep having visions
of the future."
He replied,"when did these start?"
I said "next Thursday!"

[OnLineGenie]

How the Americans see the British:

'Good morning America , how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad
Hanging, reporting. The President of Englandland, Norman Brown, is
arriving in our nation's capital this afternoon to meet with President
Bush. But just who is this guy? Let's cross to our special correspondent
Brit Limey.'
Hey, Chad . As you can see, I'm standing in the world-famous Trafalgar
Circus, with the House of Fayed directly behind me.
So what can you tell us about Norman Brown?
Well, Chad , he has been President for some twelve months now. He used to
be Chancellor.
What, you mean he's, like, German?
No, that's what they call their Treasury Secretary over here.
And is he a Conservative, like President Tony Blair?
No, Chad . He's Labour. President Blair wasn't a Conservative, either. He
only pretended to be.
So how did Brown get the job?
He just kept shouting at President Blair until he stood down.
But he won an election, right?
No, Chad , there wasn't an election. He did think about calling one, but
decided against it because he was frightened he might lose.
How can you change Presidents without having an election? I mean, it's not
like President Blair was assassinated.
That's just the way it works in Englandland. The leader of the party with
the most seats in the House of Lords gets to be President.
So Norman Brown was elected leader of the Labour Party?
Negative, again, Chad . He did raise money and have a leadership campaign,
but no one stood against him.
What, nobody? No primaries, no general election, nothing?
Affirmative, Chad ..
Let me get this straight. His party hasn't elected him, the country hasn't
elected him, yet he still gets to be President. Sounds like a tinpot
Commie dictatorship to me.
You could say that, Chad . Norman Brown doesn't really like anyone being
given the chance to vote on anything.
Someone must have voted for him, some time.
Oh, yes. He was elected to the House of Lords by his constituents in
Scotlandland.
He's Scoddish, then?
That's a big Ten-Four, Chad.
So is he President of Scotlandland, too?
No, that's a guy called Alan Salmon.
Hang on, if Brown's from Scotlandland, how can he be President of
Englandland?
That's just the way it goes in this crazy country, Chad . Brown can make
laws for Englandland, but not for his own people in Scotlandland. Not that
it matters much because Brown has signed away most of Englandland's
lawmaking powers to unelected European bureaucrats in Brussels ,
Belgiumland.
That would be like stripping Congress of the power to make laws in America
and handing it over to Mexico ..
I guess so.
How in the Hell did the people of Englandland vote for that.
They didn't. Brown wouldn't let them, even though it was a solemn promise
in his party's manifesto the last time people were allowed to vote.
Couldn't the Supreme Court have stopped him?
Not really. The Supreme Court of Englandland is now in Strasbourg , where
the geese come from.
Isn't there any opposition?
There's a guy called Boris.
Sounds Russian.
I wouldn't be surprised, Chad . There are millions of Eastern Europeans
living here now, mainly in Peterburl. Englandland has seen mass
immigration over the past ten years, but no one voted for that, either.
What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant is going on over there, Brit? We're
talking about the country which gave us Magna Carta, saw off the Armada,
stood alone against Hitler and invented parliamentary democracy. How does
Norman Brown get away with it? He must be a popular guy.
Far from it, Chad . According to the latest opinion polls, he's the most
unpopular President ever. His approval ratings are even worse than George
Dubya Bush. There's talk about him having to stand down soon.
He's already promised the job to some guy who works for him - name of Balls.
Say again, Brit, you're breaking up.
Balls!
You're d**n right there, buddy.