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Post by OnLineGenie on Sept 28, 2007 16:51:35 GMT
During World War 2, an American based in Britain is on a train journey. The rigours of war have left him very tired ane he is desperate to sit down. He sees a lady with a dog on the seat next to her, so asks her "Could I please have that seat?"
"You Americans are so rude! Can't you see that my Fifi is sitting there?"
The American walks the full length of the train but this is the only available seat. He goes back and asks a second time. "Excuse me, but I've very tired and there are no other seats on the train. Could I please have that seat?"
"Not only are you Americans rude, but you're arrogant. I've already told you my Fifi is sitting in that seat."
The American picks up the dog, throws it out of the window, and sits down.
"You beast!" shouts the woman. "Is no one going to defend my honour?"
An English gentleman stands up and walks over to the American. "Sir, you Americans always do the wrong thing. Not only do you drive on the wrong side of the road but you have thrown the wrong pregnant dog out of the window!"
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Post by Hayley on Sept 28, 2007 18:09:10 GMT
lol
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Post by OnLineGenie on Sept 29, 2007 5:54:51 GMT
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Dublin marketplace, scientists found absolutely nothing. They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago the Irish were using wireless technology. So we're allowed to tell Irish jokes on Keavy and Edele's board? Good! An Irishman went into a pub in Dublin and ordered three pints of Guinness. He went and sat in the corner and took a sip out of one pint, then the next, then the third. This carried on till the three glasses were empty. He then went back to the bar and ordered another three. The barman said "Are you sure you want all three now? It will be much fresher if you drink them one at a time." "It's for me brudders," says the Irishman. "One emigrated to Canada and the other to Australia. We always used to go for a drink together once a week. When they left they made me promise to carry on the tradition without them, so it's one pint for me and one each for me brudders." The barman smiled and gave him the three pints. This went on for some years until one day he only ordered two pints. The barman looked into the corner uneasily as the man drank his two pints. He finally decided to say something. "I'm very sorry for your loss." The Irishman looks up "Oh no, it's nothing like that. It's me. I've given up drinking." |
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Post by Hayley on Sept 29, 2007 11:14:45 GMT
it was sent to me from a load of irish people anyway, so i thought why not. as long as we dont offend anyone i thinks its alright. Thay have a great sense of humour over in ireland anyway and i think the're used to the jokes now, some of the funniest ones ive heard were from the irish!
If anyone is offended by any of the jokes please let me know and i will remove them.
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Post by OnLineGenie on Sept 30, 2007 5:57:12 GMT
it was sent to me from a load of irish people anyway, so i thought why not. Two of my great-grandparents were Irish, so I'm sure I'm allowed to tell them. Besides, I did include a batch of Scouser jokes earlier. |
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Post by OnLineGenie on Sept 30, 2007 19:34:45 GMT
Not only do you drive on the wrong side of the road but you have thrown the wrong pregnant dog out of the window!" So the five letter word that means female dog isn't allowed. That means about 95% of my joke collection is unsuitable! I thought it was the school playground joke that might be removed. I have a sick sense of humour and when I found that one on the internet even I felt guilty for laughing at it! This is one of my personal favourites and shouldn't cause any problems: A man flying a balloon is blown off course by a strong wind. He finds himself over a field where another man is walking a dog. He lowers his balloon so he can speak to the man. "Excuse me, do you know where I am?" "Yes. You're in a balloon." "You write Microsoft help pages for a living don't you?" "Yes. How did you know?" "Easy. When I asked you for help you gave me information that was accurate but useless." "And you're senior management aren't you?" "Yes. How did you know?" "You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going, you were in a mess before you met me but now it's my fault!" |
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Post by OnLineGenie on Oct 2, 2007 17:41:45 GMT
What did the Manchester United supporter get on his IQ test?
Saliva.
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Post by slowcheetah9 on Oct 3, 2007 0:36:20 GMT
Are yo momma jokes offensive? No, j/k. All I got are dirty jokes...
I'm half-Irish, and I'm alright with those jokes. All in good fun...
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Post by OnLineGenie on Oct 15, 2007 20:34:36 GMT
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a
beautiful dress on sale in the second and, in the third, everything had
just been reduced to a fiver.
Suddenly, her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that
her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical
condition in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was
leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops so
decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful complimentary coffee slice from the last
shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,
she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband
has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you did
too, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever
take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And
you'll be his carer!"
Feeling so guilty, the woman broke down and sobbed.
Then, the doctor chuckled and said, "Just pulling your leg... he's dead.
What'd you buy?"
**************************************
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Post by Hayley on Oct 15, 2007 20:47:53 GMT
the jokes you emailed me were funny, do you think we should have a password protected thread (so people who are too young dont read it) in the members only area for rude jokes!
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Post by slowcheetah9 on Oct 21, 2007 21:24:27 GMT
I have a joke!!! Finally! It's long but here goes... I hope you don't have to move it, it doesn't have any dirty words, but...
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am" he said "I've come to..." "Oh, no neet to explain..." Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Henry and me!"
"Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." He opened his breifcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on top of a bus," he said. "and these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look. It took more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling and I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it in."
"So if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes ma'am, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
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Post by Hayley on Oct 22, 2007 9:49:55 GMT
great joke!
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Post by slowcheetah9 on Oct 23, 2007 0:09:56 GMT
I love standing outside a school playground watching the children running about screaming. They don't know I'm shooting blanks. WOOOOOOW... You know schools in Los Angeles actually have bullet-proof glass surrounding the outside of the schoolyard. |
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Post by OnLineGenie on Oct 25, 2007 17:13:13 GMT
the jokes you emailed me were funny, do you think we should have a password protected thread (so people who are too young dont read it) in the members only area for rude jokes! Apologies for the delay in replying - it's been a busy (and traumatic) time with camera, computer, and car problems. Yes, a password protected area for the cruder jokes sounds like a great idea. |
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Post by Hayley on Oct 25, 2007 22:55:13 GMT
ok i will do that some time tomorrow hopefully, i have a few jokes i cant post on here which i would like to share just pm me for the password. i will not give the password to anyone under 16.
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