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Post by OnLineGenie on Dec 31, 2007 16:49:41 GMT
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an
ordinary man,' he said as he walked up to her, 'but in just a week
or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three
days later, she became his stepmother.
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Post by OnLineGenie on Jan 1, 2008 12:21:28 GMT
These stories remind me of an incident that took place in my local fish and chip shop. I can't vouch for the stories below, but this one is definitely true because I was there:
Customer: Chicken chop suey please.
Girl behind counter (GBC): Rice or chips?
C: Rice please.
GBC: Fried or boiled?
C: Fried please.
GBC: We only do it with boiled.
> ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
> have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
> nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the
> counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was
> the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
> 'That's right' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets!
>
>
> !
> TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the
> lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one
of
> those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between
> our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of
my
> items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code
so
> she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know
how
> much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy
> that today' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had
> no clue to what had just happened.
>
>
> THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive
> and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
> she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit
> card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
>
> FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do
> you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced
> the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do
> you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
> battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
> 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys
to
> me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why
don't
> you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'
>
> FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
> she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of
typing
> paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told
> her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put
> it on th e photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
>
> SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
> towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
> and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked
the
> manager what had happened. He told m e that the driver had set the 'cruise
> control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
>
> SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office
> of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
> with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
> branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back
of
> my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'
>
> EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
> colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
> The message 'He's lying' was placed i n the copier, and police pressed the
> copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
> Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.
>
> NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs
to
> take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher
> tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother
> says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to
> emergency room!
> Life is tough .
>
> It's tougher if you're stupid
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Post by OnLineGenie on Feb 3, 2008 21:13:15 GMT
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on
cruise control At 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: "Now don 't Be silly,
dear, you know that this car doesn ' t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over At his wife
and growls, "Can ' t you please keep your mouth shut For once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,"d**n
it, woman, can ' t you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you ' re not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That ' s an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah,
well, you see officer, I had it on, But took it off when you pulled me
over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you ' re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket The driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma ' am?" (I love this part....)
Only when he's been drinking!
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Post by OnLineGenie on Feb 8, 2008 16:22:50 GMT
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What's the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is
the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative
Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM, Bristol
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM, Ireland
Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The. .?
Caller: Mohicans.
RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Q: What is the world's largest continent?
A: The Pacific
RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err...
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?
BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)
Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .
Moyles: It begins with 's' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that,
I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
THE VAULT (ITV)
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer
can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.
DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?
Contestant: Jelly.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and
PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff.gif Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.
BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.
DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every
year?
Contestant: I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?
TALKSPORT
Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.
Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...?
Caller: Five.
MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm...
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? (ITV)
Chris Tarrant (asking the audience): 'Jambon' is the French for which food?
11 per cent of the audience: Jam.
DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales.
JANICE FORSYTH SHOW (BBC RADIO SCOTLAND)
Forsyth: What is India's currency?
Contestant: Ramadan.
OWEN MONEY SHOW (BBC RADIO WALES)
Money: In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.
Caller: Er. . . Tony Brown. . . and Nigel Benn. (Silence.)
More jokes posted today on the joke board.
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Post by OnLineGenie on Feb 8, 2008 16:51:25 GMT
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to
the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs
for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that
the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's
wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I
had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached
in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not
a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Post by Hayley on Feb 8, 2008 23:56:54 GMT
where do you get all these jokes from, there great
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Post by OnLineGenie on Feb 9, 2008 12:10:54 GMT
where do you get all these jokes from, there great A lot of them I receive by email. Additionally, during my dinner hour at work I visit the Motley Fool Message Board. It's mainly for financial advice, but there's also a joke board. I pick the best and post them here. |
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Post by OnLineGenie on Feb 22, 2008 17:36:19 GMT
These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the
English Dept of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the
first line of a bad novel:
"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."
"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for
competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied
description."
"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along
the East wall: 'Andre creep...Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to
become the woman he loved."
"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
seeking out a living at a local pet store."
"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often
do."
"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of
the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in
the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS...
"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You
lied!'"
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Post by OnLineGenie on Feb 23, 2008 15:53:00 GMT
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?" "Sand," answered
Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The
guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds
nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that
there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts
the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him
cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks,
"What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough
examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives
the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This
sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan
doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between
you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says,
"Bicycles."
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Post by krazy4bwitched on Mar 10, 2008 23:02:44 GMT
Bob dies and goes to St. Peters
He sees all these clocks around him
So he asks, "St. Peters, what are all thesr clocks for?"
St. Peters answers, "Everytime you tell a lie, a hand turns one."
Bob sees a clock that has no hands turned. He asks, "Who's clock is that?"
St. Peters answers, "That's Mother Teresa's clock because she never lied once in her life."
Then, Bob sees a clock that only has two hands turned. He asks again, "Who's clock is that?"
Again, St. Peters replies, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock because he only lied two times in his life."
Bob understands and asks,"Where is my twin brother Bill's clock?"
St. Peters sighs and says,"Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan."
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Post by OnLineGenie on Mar 11, 2008 20:50:39 GMT
Excellent! Nice to see someone joining in.
Have you got the password from Hayley for the over 16s' joke board? I'm still posting there but not many people are reading it.
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Post by OnLineGenie on Apr 23, 2008 18:39:41 GMT
Rara Benitez has bought Riise a Sat Nav for his birthday to stop him from heading the wrong way.
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Post by OnLineGenie on Jun 2, 2008 19:02:58 GMT
Hayley - it's only a joke, please don't ban me!
Roman Abramovich offered to pay for the Chelsea team to have a holiday in Florida but they decided to go to Blackpool instead - they wanted to know what it's like to ride on an open-topped bus!
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Post by OnLineGenie on Jun 5, 2008 20:15:44 GMT
A study conducted by Great Britains Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
It was discovered that if the female is ovulating, she is attracted to
males with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his
chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
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Post by OnLineGenie on Jun 5, 2008 20:16:47 GMT
Classified ads:
Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: One.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere else again.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and
be willing to get hands dirty.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
Mother's helper. Peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore. Unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
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