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Post by The Animal on Nov 23, 2007 18:50:09 GMT
I've heard the bullet-as-a-fuse story before. It's an urban legend. In one version, it's a fishing trip, and he's shot in the leg.
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Post by OnLineGenie on Nov 24, 2007 21:06:10 GMT
Not really a joke, but it's funny. You don't need to know anything about football to understand this story.
As you probably know, England lost at Wembley on Wednesday night. People complained that the pitch was in a bad condition.
You probably also know that I run the website for my local non-league football club, Prescot Cables. Non-league means we're six divisions below the Premiership and surviving on gates of approx. 180. Today, our pitch looked better suited to mud wrestling than football. Some teenage boys were sitting near me and one of them said: "Our pitch looks like Wembley's pitch, but there's more class on ours!"
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Post by OnLineGenie on Dec 3, 2007 21:15:23 GMT
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me
brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks
the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"
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Post by Hayley on Dec 4, 2007 22:46:05 GMT
where do you gets all these jokes from the're great.
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Post by The Animal on Dec 5, 2007 0:25:54 GMT
I knew the last one was going to end that way, but it's still funny as hell.
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Post by OnLineGenie on Dec 7, 2007 17:23:40 GMT
where do you gets all these jokes from the're great. I get a lot of jokes by email and post the best ones on here. Apart from that, I subscribe to a financial advice website: The Motley Fool. I recently started taking part in its discussion boards and was pleased to find out that one of the boards is called Jokers' Corner. Several of the jokes I've posted here have come from there. |
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Post by OnLineGenie on Dec 10, 2007 20:27:49 GMT
I just got a Liverpool FC advent calendar.
Typical, all the windows are boarded up and some little toe-rag's nicked
all the chocolates...
(In case anyone didn't know, I'm an Evertonian.)
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Post by slowcheetah9 on Dec 11, 2007 4:26:22 GMT
HAHAHA niiiiiice, Mark
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Post by OnLineGenie on Dec 23, 2007 9:51:15 GMT
It was revealed this week that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills' marital problems started during their last Christmas together.
Heather was looking through the wardrobe and found a brand new artificial leg. Incensed at the thought that Paul was giving her a practical present rather than something she would enjoy, she confronted him with it: "Is this my Christmas present?"
"Yes, but it's not your main present. It's only a stocking filler."
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Post by OnLineGenie on Dec 23, 2007 10:10:53 GMT
Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday. She told thingy Cheney,
"The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over
200 words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he
just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."
"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."
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Post by OnLineGenie on Dec 24, 2007 15:58:11 GMT
It's not the language barrier that worries me about having an italian in
charge of the England football team. It's more that he will want to remove the red cross from our flag and if we go a goal down he will change sides at half time.
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Post by OnLineGenie on Dec 24, 2007 16:01:25 GMT
Imagine my surprise, as I was getting the decorations down, I found a
Christmas present from last year on top of the wardrobe.
The children were all excited as I opened the box.
Shame it was a puppy.
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Post by OnLineGenie on Dec 24, 2007 16:20:32 GMT
Yes, I have got a teenage daughter - but some of these apply equally to a teenage son! Mark.
Teenaged Daughter Owner's Manual
Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think
they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter.
Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your
new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which
does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full
refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please
examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and
less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except when
requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
BREAK-IN PERIOD
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially
experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will
subside, and you will merely feel traumatised. This is the "Break-In
Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviours
that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to
these behaviours, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a
telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged
daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words
"clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take
frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves
with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because
"like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mum and dad
use." When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step
out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will
subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the
towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and
do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.
These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for
her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is
like so disgusting.
She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some
people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me
eating dinner with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give
her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the
doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "ohmigod he is so
hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Retailers make millions of pounds a year selling stylish and frankly
sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy
shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you.
Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer.
You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving
the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be
wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE
Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:
"High," and "Ultra High."
Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be
enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for
heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who
think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for
as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has
already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you
are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect?
In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under
any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there--you
just have to look for her.
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Post by OnLineGenie on Dec 31, 2007 16:18:18 GMT
Subject: FW: who to marry!!
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- - Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There
sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
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Post by OnLineGenie on Dec 31, 2007 16:41:16 GMT
An elderly couple stagger into MacDonalds and counting out their money they
buy one hamburger/small fries and strawberry milk shake.
They get two straws for the milk shake and sit down together.
The old man cuts the burger in half and shares out the chips <"one for you
dear and one for me">
As he does this and they both sip on their milk-shake with two straws, a
young lad watching from a nearby table feels sorry for them and her walks
over to their table and asks "would you like me to buy you another hamburger
& fries", "no no we share everying" replies the old man.
As the young man watches eventually the old man picks up his half of burger
and starts to nibble on it, but the old lady just sits and watches with her
arms crossed.
By now the young man feels really sorry for them and nips to the counter and
buys them another Hamburger and Fries and taking it over to their table he
expects some thanks.
Instead the old man says "no no we share everyting", we don't need another
meal we share everything.
My wife is just waiting for my false teeth.
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